The Thud of Your Heartbeat
by vicky1992
Summary: You just know...she's yours. AU Mark & Lexie story.


**AN: I'm not sure whether to continue this or not, let me know what you think.**

You hear the thud of your heartbeat in your chest, and you already know what her reaction's going to be. You realise you could have told her at a better moment, that you could have used better words; but really, what is there to soften the blow that you're having a child with another woman?

She doesn't disappoint and the words, "How did you get me in this position twice?" slip easily from her lips.

You look down and sigh a little. It's not as if you cheated on her, but you know it feels that way, because even when you're broken up, you're still together, still linked, irrevocably entwined. You can feel her glare on you, but you don't want to meet her eyes, knowing that seeing the hurt inside of them will break your heart, as if you even had one.

The pasta is boiling over on the stove, but you both ignore it as she grabs her bag and coat and heads for the door. You reach out a hand and grab hers in yours, silently pleading at her to stay, to talk, to not run this time. She shrugs your hand out of her grasp and closes the distance between her and the door.

This time you let her go. You pour the pasta down the sink, and head into your bedroom. Your appetite has completely gone.

* * *

><p>A week later, you see her standing alone at the nurse's station. You cross the short distance quickly, and put a hand on her shoulder, saying her name. She turns, and the glare in her eyes is enough warning for you to remove your hand.<p>

"Get away from me, you lying pig."

Those words cut deeper than you expect, and you nod, pursing your lips together, and sigh, before walking away from her once more.

You don't look back, but if you had, you'd see her eyes filling with tears as she stares at your retreating back.

You go to the baby's ultrasound. Standing there with Arizona, as the gel is put on Callie's abdomen. Hearing your child's heartbeat, finding out you're going to have a daughter. Your heart swells at the thought. You realise that more than anything you're happy for this second chance to be a father, you're going to make it count this time, there will be nothing you miss.

You only wish that she could be there to share it with you. You'd always thought that the next time you'd be a father would be with her. That you'd have a family. A little boy just like you, a miniature heartbreaker, and a little girl who looked exactly like her. A little girl with long brown hair, and maybe your blue eyes, a girl who would believe you if you said the sky was green.

You almost well up at the thought, and you turn away from the ultrasound screen to compose yourself from the thoughts of what will never be.

* * *

><p>The news comes to you second hand. She won't talk to you, she's been refusing to catch your eye for six months now, and you don't push it.<p>

Derek speaks to you, "She's leaving. She's going to finish up her residency at Mass Gen. She told the chief it was because there was nothing more for her in Seattle now."

"What about her dad?" You ask, hopeful that maybe if someone talks to her about him she'll see sense and stay.

"He's too busy for her, always off with his girlfriend Danielle."

You sigh, and look away, wishing you could do something to change her mind, but knowing anything you say will simply drive her away faster.

* * *

><p>Your daughter is born prematurely and you're terrified she might not survive. The one person who might have been able to keep you calm and stop your tears is no longer around, and you're the one who pushed her away.<p>

You sit and wait and watch and hope and wish there was something more you could do.

* * *

><p>Somehow, five years pass without you noticing. The time just goes by…your life has changed. There's a void in your heart where she exist, you've not been able to let anyone else in since she left, but that's okay…there's someone else for you to focus all your love on.<p>

Sofia. Your daughter. She's five years old now, and she is the light of your life. Anyone could see how you smile when she's around, and how good a father you are despite what everyone might have thought. You've been there for her from the very beginning, determined to make one thing in your life right, and you have.

"Why aren't you married to anyone like Mommy and Mami?" She asks one day, in her childish singsong voice.

You look across at her on your sofa, where she is looking at you questioningly as she colours in Disney princesses.

"Because there's no room in my life for anyone but you…I love you more than anyone in the world, and I can't marry you." You say, choosing your words carefully.

"Why not Daddy?" She replies giggling. "Why can't you marry me?"

"You really want to marry me?" You grin and reach over tickling her as she laughs and rolls around. "Okay, we'll get married."

"No, but really Daddy, have you ever been in love?"

You stop, and you look at her curiously. Your daughter is so intuitive, so precocious, she knows you so well. But you realise that's because most of the time she's exactly like you. The spitting image of Callie, but identical to you in personality, much to Callie and Arizona's dismay. She's a terror, she always has been, but she has you wrapped around her little finger, you rarely tell her off…just because she makes you laugh so much.

"Yes." You admit a little begrudgingly, not sure how much you want to tell your five year old. "I've been in love before."

"What was she like?" Sofia asks, putting down her crayon, folding her arms and looking at you.

"She was beautiful, not as beautiful as you of course, no one is. But yeah, she has this wonderful long brown hair, down to here." You gesture. "Her eyes are brown too, and when she smiled, the whole room lit up. You would have liked her."

"What was her name?"

"Lexie…Alexandra Caroline Grey."

"What happened to her?"

You pause for a moment, sad that the fact that you and Lexie are not together anymore is sitting right in front of you, a finished picture of Jasmine from Aladdin in front of her. You don't regret Sofia, not at all, you love your daughter to pieces, and would never not want her to exist so you could still have Lexie, but you just wish that she'd stayed around long enough for you to explain.

"She left sweetie, she had to go away for work. It made your Daddy very sad."

"Will I ever get to meet her?"

"Maybe…who knows? I hope so, one day." You sigh a little wistfully, and Sofia snuggles into you, knowing right now that you need a cuddle. You stroke her soft hair, and kiss the top of her head, smiling at how well your daughter knows you.

* * *

><p>You hear a knock on your door, and you clamber out of bed, pulling on some trousers, and rush to the door. No one ever visits you at this time of night, not unless it's an emergency. The last time this happened, Sofia had appendicitis. You open the door, and your mouth falls open.<p>

"What…what are you doing here?" You ask, dumbfounded. It's been years since you even spoke, but she's been on your mind always.

"I don't know." She replies, looking down.

You see the tracks of tears on her cheeks, and wonder why she's been crying. Part of you wants to close the door on her, part of you feels happy that she's upset. But the larger part of you, the better part of you invites her in and offers her a drink.

"Whatever you have, whatever you're having."

You pour out two glasses of scotch, pleased that Sofia's not here tonight…it's easier, you don't want to explain to your daughter about the visitor at two am. You gulp back the amber liquid quickly, and pour another. You need a drink right now, you don't know what to say to her.

You pass the drink across to her, and stand there silently, waiting for her to speak. She's the one who came to you, it's her chance to make amends if she so chooses.

"My dad's dead." She chokes out, and immediately you feel a pit in your stomach. You know she was always a family girl, despite everything her father had done.

She gulps back the liquid, and then looks at you, suddenly emboldened.

Before you know it, she's closed the gap between you two, her lips crushing into yours with fierce passion. You know you should stop it, you should pull back, that she's emotionally compromised, but you've wanted this so badly for years that you can't.

Your hand cups her cheek as your tongue thrusts into her mouth, devouring her, tangling with hers, savouring the way she tastes, as if she's oxygen, she's helping you to breathe once more.

You press her up against the wall, and she moans, feeling your arousal pushing against her. You've never been able to hide the fact that you're in a constant state of heat around her. You've never wanted to hide that fact.

Your lips suck at the pulse point on her neck, moans escaping her mouth, knowing she wants you to continue. Your hands grip the hem of her shirt, pulling it up over her head, quickly, fiercely, as you deftly unclasp her bra.

You pinch the puckered buds of her nipples, eliciting groans from her that you swear will have the neighbours complaining at the noise. No one makes you feel this way, and if you had to guess, you'd assume she felt the same way.

You take her left breast into your mouth, warm wet kisses, your tongue flicking the erect nipple, feeling her squirming against the wall, wanting more wanting everything.

"Mark!" She manages to cry out, her head thrown back. If this is how much pleasure you can give her just from her breasts, you can't imagine how she's going to feel when you make your way to her sex.

Your hands trail downwards, just as she pulls down your pants. You kick them away, unbuttoning her jeans, pulling them and her underwear down quickly.

The tedious garments removed, your erection pokes at the inside of her thigh as you meet her lips again, this time kissing her more slowly. Languidly, your lips move together, the passion, and intensity evident, everything speeding up, your heart racing, you're almost unable to think as her hands move downward.

Impatient, she grips you, and you lose all train of thought, as if you had one besides the fact that you have her once more pressed up against your wall naked.

You push her hand away and with one quick motion you've lifted her and thrusted inside of her completely. Her legs wrap around your waist and she squeezes you so hard that you think you might burst from that.

All thoughts of contraception are lost, as the two of you thrust, suck, kiss, and crash your way to your releases. She comes first with a moan of ecstasy. You help her ride through it, not stilling your movements.

You pound harder, and faster, grunting, and groaning until you too come inside of her. You brace yourself against her, leaning your sweaty bodies together against the wall, catching your breath.

You pull out and she drops to the ground, finding her footing as you keep a hold of her arms.

"Stay." The word comes unbidden from your lips, as you brush back some of her matted brunette hair that's stuck to her forehead. You lean forward, kissing her as if it's natural, as if it's all you're ever going to do for the rest of your life.

She nods, and wordlessly you embrace her holding her as tightly as you possibly can.

* * *

><p>You wake up the next morning, and reach out an arm to pull her body flush against yours once more. You want to wake up this way everyday. You blink your eyes open quickly as your hand meets thin air and falls to the bare mattress.<p>

She's not there.

As quick as you realise that she's gone, you curse yourself for your stupidity. Of course she's gone, of course she wouldn't stay. She always runs from everything, so why would she stay just because you asked her?

You roll out of bed with a sigh, and shrug all thoughts of her from your mind.

* * *

><p>"She was in town yesterday." Derek says almost nonchalantly, looking at you through concerned eyes as if to see what you reaction is.<p>

You feign surprise and then shrug your shoulders.

"And?" You say pretending not to care, knowing you're not fooling anyone.

"Her dad died…it was the funeral, Meredith didn't go, but she did."

"Good for her. I'm over her." You say, walking away, leaving Derek standing there shaking his head.

You're not over her. You never will be.

* * *

><p>"Daddy why are you upset?"<p>

A year has passed, and you're sitting at home with Sofia, you're eating dinner, and she's noticed that today has been particularly difficult for you.

It's a year since you last saw her, a year, and you can't get her out of your mind. You can't stop staring at the place where you made love. No…the place where you fucked. If it was love, she would have stayed. If she had loved you, she would have listened. But she didn't, so it isn't.

"Daddy had a bad day at work today." You say, smiling tiredly.

Sofia nods slowly, but then she passes you her last fry.

"For you Daddy."

* * *

><p>You look across at her, and feel your heart swell with pride. Your daughter always surprises you.<p>

Another year passes, and you think you've almost forgotten her. Forgotten her smell, the way she feels beneath you, forgotten everything about her…but you know that's not true. You know you're just lying to yourself.

Your heart skips a beat when you hear her voice. Shaking your head, you theorise you're imagining things, but then it happens again, and you look up.

She's standing there clear as day, a toddler in her arms, and you feel the bile rising in your throat.

She has a child. Lexie Grey has a child. Some child by another man, so she must have met someone new…she must have moved on.

You make your way to cross to the other side of the cafeteria, you don't want to see her anymore, you don't want to talk to her. You just want to find someone to take into the on call room and fuck until you feel nothing. You've not done that in years, you'd grown, you'd changed, but you need to get rid of that damn pain in your chest at the thought of her touching another man, of being loved by someone other than you.

Crash!

You walk into an intern, and the food on your tray falls to the ground. People turn to stare, including her, and her child. You look their way, and she looks at you, her eyes sad, as if she feels regret.

You storm out, heading to your office. You need to break something, to hurt someone, you'd rather feel nothing than feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest.

* * *

><p>She's followed you. She steps inside your office, and looks at you seething behind your desk, pretending to do paperwork. Pretending to do anything that can keep your mind off of her.<p>

"Mark…" She begins, and you give her a look that cuts her right off.

Only then is it you notice properly her daughter, the child in her arms. You look at her closely, study her facial features, her dark brunette hair, her blue eyes…and you realise, you just know.

"How could you?" You say, shaking your head. You're angry beyond belief. How could she? You'd known she was heartless, she'd left you enough times to prove that, but this? This was too far.

"Get. Out." You say, breathing hard as you say each syllable with as much malice as you can muster. Your heart is pounding in your chest and you don't think you'll ever get over this.

She obliges, and you sink back into your seat, your eyes welling up over the fact that that kid…the little girl…the toddler. She's yours.

* * *

><p>You eventually make your way out of your office, it's the end of the day and all you want to do is go home and sleep. Once upon a time, you might have gone to joes, gotten drunk and fucked some random woman…but you're really trying here, you don't want to fall into bad habits again. You have Sofia, and another daughter, that you don't yet know the name of.<p>

You stumble into the lobby, looking at the ground, when you pause, hearing laughter again. Like Lexie's but higher pitched.

"Mark." Derek's voice calls.

You turn around and see Meredith and Derek, holding the little girl.

"Lexie said she had to get out of here for a bit…visit her Mom's grave." Derek explained softly. "She left Susie with us."

"You should hold her."

You knew that the other two had both realised that Susie was your daughter. How could you not? Those eyes…it was obvious that they were his.

You reached out tentatively, and the little girl bundled herself into your arms. She was warm, inviting, bright eyed and playful. Perfectly adorable, and you couldn't help but fall in love with her immediately.

She reached out and poked you in the cheek before feeling your scruff.

"Scratchy." She pouted, sticking out her tongue at you.

"I know." You murmur, unsure how to act with this little girl who's your daughter, but doesn't know her father exists.

You sit down on a seat, and Meredith and Derek make motions to leave.

"We'll tell Lexie you have her."

You nod, not really noticing them, as you're so enthralled by your daughter.

"Who you?" The two year old asks.

"I'm…I'm Mark." You say. "I'm your Daddy."

"Daddy?"

"Yep." The little girl giggles as you confirm it and she blows a raspberry on your cheek.

You stroke her soft brown hair and talk softly.

"Even if I don't like her very much right now, I will always love your Mommy. And I will always love you Susie." You say, feeling yourself beginning to well up once more. "You have an older sister too."

"Sis-ter." Susie repeats clapping her hands.

"Sofia. She'll love you." You say, beaming across at her.

You look up as you hear the automatic doors open and a rush of cold air. Susie follows your gaze and then yells.

"Mommy! Mommy! Look…this is my Daddy!"

You give Lexie a glare as she crosses to you, her mouth open, gasping a little at her daughter's reaction.

"You told her?"

"She asked."

"I…I was going to tell her."

You stand up holding your daughter, and give her a quick kiss on her forehead, before passing her back to Lexie.

"Of course you were."

You walk to the doors of the hospital.

"This isn't over Lexie, and if you even think about running again, I will chase you." You say, as calmly as you can manage.


End file.
